Fetching balls takes on a new meaning
Sara Gregory
Issue date: 8/26/09 Section: Opinion
John Doe decides to neuter his beloved dog Benji, but then realizes his poor pet has no nuts. He gives Benji a week to adjust without his … manhood, but watching his furry friend sulk and scratch where his balls used to be just breaks John's heart. It gets John to thinking, "what if I had my balls removed?" Then it hits him. There'd be no point to living at all. John quickly gets on the phone to find the newest craze in dog pampering: neuticles.
All right, John Doe isn't real, but the last bit is true. Neuticles (sometimes called "the Cadillac of Prosthetic Dog Testicles") are prosthetic testicles made for neutered dogs. On the rise since 2003, over 225,000 pet owners worldwide have used neuticles to restore their dog's confidence. Did the dog even care in the first place? My guess is no. He is probably pissed that you neutered him, but what do you expect when removing someone's privates? Just because a pet owner feels guilty about putting their dog through ball-removing surgery doesn't mean he should add an additional cosmetic procedure shaped by the beauty standards of society. First, we take a dog and force him to live in a domestic environment. Then we neuter him because a litter of puppies just isn't convenient, and we don't want to deal with it. Then we give him fake nuts to bandage the fact that we took them in the first place. Newsflash: we took the dog's "manhood" when we bought him in a store and put a collar on him.
In a technology-driven world thriving on images promoting sex appeal and a constantly changing standard of beauty, we are all subliminally compelled to adapt our looks to fit in. Unfortunately, our visually-driven generation has not only made beauty matter, but also evolve so quickly it is unattainable, so I understand if you resort to cosmetic surgery. I am envious that in today's economy you have the money, but I get why you would. What I don't get are these fake dog nuts. Instead of taking your anger out on Benji and wasting thousands of dollars, grow a pair yourself and deal with your own compensation issues. Or buy a new car.
All right, John Doe isn't real, but the last bit is true. Neuticles (sometimes called "the Cadillac of Prosthetic Dog Testicles") are prosthetic testicles made for neutered dogs. On the rise since 2003, over 225,000 pet owners worldwide have used neuticles to restore their dog's confidence. Did the dog even care in the first place? My guess is no. He is probably pissed that you neutered him, but what do you expect when removing someone's privates? Just because a pet owner feels guilty about putting their dog through ball-removing surgery doesn't mean he should add an additional cosmetic procedure shaped by the beauty standards of society. First, we take a dog and force him to live in a domestic environment. Then we neuter him because a litter of puppies just isn't convenient, and we don't want to deal with it. Then we give him fake nuts to bandage the fact that we took them in the first place. Newsflash: we took the dog's "manhood" when we bought him in a store and put a collar on him.
In a technology-driven world thriving on images promoting sex appeal and a constantly changing standard of beauty, we are all subliminally compelled to adapt our looks to fit in. Unfortunately, our visually-driven generation has not only made beauty matter, but also evolve so quickly it is unattainable, so I understand if you resort to cosmetic surgery. I am envious that in today's economy you have the money, but I get why you would. What I don't get are these fake dog nuts. Instead of taking your anger out on Benji and wasting thousands of dollars, grow a pair yourself and deal with your own compensation issues. Or buy a new car.
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