Secret agent cat prowls campus
Fifi Katzenbach
Issue date: 4/1/09 Section: The Edge
A rural college town with various departments of police has a few hidden secrets. Recent investigation has shown shocking evidence that a beloved cat, fondly named Tiggins by the residents of Higgins and Thompson Halls at Western Illinois University, may in fact be a Central Intelligence Agency agent.
Tiggins, who resides in the area between the two residence halls, is a friendly figure who can be seen romping around looking for attention in any weather. Little to the students' knowledge, the cat has actually been gathering information for the agency since the Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act of 2004 was implemented. This little sleuth has the perfect cover, all while collecting necessary information concerning an undisclosed ongoing investigation regarding matters of national security.
Leon E. Panetta, recently appointed Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, denies acknowledgement of Tiggins' involvement with the agency.
"I have no knowledge of the existence of the aforementioned agent, and no further comment," Panetta said. However, the information leaked by a source that wishes to remain anonymous confirms Agent Tiggins' work on campus.
An inconspicuous garage facing H-Lot serves as his headquarters, from which video feeds are received from transmitters in cleverly disguised shelters scattered in the area between the residence hall buildings. He can often be seen retreating to the headquarters early in the morning. Agent Tiggins is equipped with a newly developed technology of wire that is hidden effortlessly in his gray fur.
Students are strongly advised to be cautious regarding their words and actions, as it is unconfirmed whether this agent works alone or has accomplices. One such potential accomplice is only known by the code name Simpkins Goose.
Further investigation has led to suspicions that the agency may have installed surveillance equipment in the blue light call boxes, which are conveniently placed across campus.
Upon the disclosure of Tiggins' status, the shelter huts and all the information they undoubtedly contained have mysteriously disappeared. Agent Tiggins has not been seen or heard from in over a week. It is unconfirmed whether the outcome of these actions is in a direct result to this disclosure.
Tiggins, who resides in the area between the two residence halls, is a friendly figure who can be seen romping around looking for attention in any weather. Little to the students' knowledge, the cat has actually been gathering information for the agency since the Intelligence Reform and Terrorism Prevention Act of 2004 was implemented. This little sleuth has the perfect cover, all while collecting necessary information concerning an undisclosed ongoing investigation regarding matters of national security.
Leon E. Panetta, recently appointed Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, denies acknowledgement of Tiggins' involvement with the agency.
"I have no knowledge of the existence of the aforementioned agent, and no further comment," Panetta said. However, the information leaked by a source that wishes to remain anonymous confirms Agent Tiggins' work on campus.
An inconspicuous garage facing H-Lot serves as his headquarters, from which video feeds are received from transmitters in cleverly disguised shelters scattered in the area between the residence hall buildings. He can often be seen retreating to the headquarters early in the morning. Agent Tiggins is equipped with a newly developed technology of wire that is hidden effortlessly in his gray fur.
Students are strongly advised to be cautious regarding their words and actions, as it is unconfirmed whether this agent works alone or has accomplices. One such potential accomplice is only known by the code name Simpkins Goose.
Further investigation has led to suspicions that the agency may have installed surveillance equipment in the blue light call boxes, which are conveniently placed across campus.
Upon the disclosure of Tiggins' status, the shelter huts and all the information they undoubtedly contained have mysteriously disappeared. Agent Tiggins has not been seen or heard from in over a week. It is unconfirmed whether the outcome of these actions is in a direct result to this disclosure.
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