Spring Break
Stupid criminals of the month: November edition
Jeff Henderson
Issue date: 11/17/08 Section: Opinion
People do stupid things. Stupid people do stupider things. Stupid criminals are even higher up in the rankings for doing stupendously stupider things.
But when it comes to winning the "Moron of the Month" contest, the winners are more often than not going to be stupid drunk people doing UNTHINKABLY stupid things. November's winner is no exception, but faced the following fierce competition.
In fifth place this month, we have a 33-year-old man who was arrested after being cornered in a church by the congregation. Why did the congregation have him cornered? Because he stole a handful of communion wafers from the priest. Whether he was low on his food budget for the week or he really needed that much more forgiveness, we may never know.
On the bright side, with a $2,000 bond, he had the opportunity to brag to his jail mates about the net worth of his heist, which is somewhere in the vicinity of $1.10 to $1.70.
Only one spot away from receiving a medal, we have a gracious gentleman who was more concerned about giving than receiving - and I mean giving in the sense of urinating on the back of a police officer's head. After getting arrested for a DUI (only his fourth), he performed the act in the back of a police car on his way to jail.
The bronze medal goes to another thief. This time it was a New York City police officer who was caught pilfering from a convenience store. What would a police officer steal from a convenience store? Before you assume it was bunch of doughnuts, remember that it's wrong to stereotype. Besides, they weren't doughnuts; they were tastykakes.
After reviewing surveillance cameras, store clerks claimed he nabbed 21 of these treats in 17 of his visits, according to the Syracuse Post-Standard.
In second place, we have a group of six kids from Arkansas who fittingly take home the silver medal. Evidently, these kids stole a 62.5 lb. piece of metal and sold it to a metal recycling business for $30 that they later claimed was needed for gas money, according to www.aolnews.com. As it turned out, the chunk of metal was somewhat valuable. Known to the scientific community as "silver," or "62.5 freaking pounds of freaking silver," it was worth somewhere in the ballpark of $15,000.
But when it comes to winning the "Moron of the Month" contest, the winners are more often than not going to be stupid drunk people doing UNTHINKABLY stupid things. November's winner is no exception, but faced the following fierce competition.
In fifth place this month, we have a 33-year-old man who was arrested after being cornered in a church by the congregation. Why did the congregation have him cornered? Because he stole a handful of communion wafers from the priest. Whether he was low on his food budget for the week or he really needed that much more forgiveness, we may never know.
On the bright side, with a $2,000 bond, he had the opportunity to brag to his jail mates about the net worth of his heist, which is somewhere in the vicinity of $1.10 to $1.70.
Only one spot away from receiving a medal, we have a gracious gentleman who was more concerned about giving than receiving - and I mean giving in the sense of urinating on the back of a police officer's head. After getting arrested for a DUI (only his fourth), he performed the act in the back of a police car on his way to jail.
The bronze medal goes to another thief. This time it was a New York City police officer who was caught pilfering from a convenience store. What would a police officer steal from a convenience store? Before you assume it was bunch of doughnuts, remember that it's wrong to stereotype. Besides, they weren't doughnuts; they were tastykakes.
After reviewing surveillance cameras, store clerks claimed he nabbed 21 of these treats in 17 of his visits, according to the Syracuse Post-Standard.
In second place, we have a group of six kids from Arkansas who fittingly take home the silver medal. Evidently, these kids stole a 62.5 lb. piece of metal and sold it to a metal recycling business for $30 that they later claimed was needed for gas money, according to www.aolnews.com. As it turned out, the chunk of metal was somewhat valuable. Known to the scientific community as "silver," or "62.5 freaking pounds of freaking silver," it was worth somewhere in the ballpark of $15,000.
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