Western Courier

Issue date: 11/5/04 Section: The Edge

Media Credit: Nichole McDaniel

Dan Rather: Make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen. This race is tighter than a pair of Babe Ruth's pants. But rest assured that we at CBS News are determined to bring you election results that have at least a 50 percent chance of being accurate.

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Peter Jennings: ABC's projected victory for President George W. Bush in Utah is brought to you by the Walt Disney Company's smash hit film "The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement" starring Julie Andrews and Anne Hathaway.

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Larry King: Coming up on a special election edition of "Larry King Live," star of stage and screen, Ms. Carol Channing.

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John Sullivan: I'm John Sullivan and I've bought this television time in order to remind my Democratic base that I don't support gay marriage, gun control or a woman's right to choose.

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Tom Brokaw: Of course, the saddest thing about tonight's election coverage is that it completely ignores the sacrifices made by the members of the greatest generation, who willingly gave so much to our nation during World War II.

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Bill O'Reilly: Joining me in "The No Spin Zone" is former President Jimmy Carter. Pres. Carter, I don't get it. Neither of these fellows are bad guys. What's the deal with all of these negative ads?

Jimmy Carter: Well-

Bill O'Reilly: Shut up!

Jimmy Carter: But I-

Bill O'Reilly: No, you SHUT UP!!

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Jim Lehrer: It looks like Florida, for the moment, is going back into the Gore column again.

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Voiceover: Tonight at 10, it's an election roundup on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." That's right. Jon Stewart, the comedian who the country's top news source has named "one of America's great men."

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Wolf Blitzer: I've just been handed a note stating that the winner of tonight's election has agreed to retire in four years and let Conan O'Brien take over.

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Kurt Loder: I'm Kurt Loder with a breaking MTV Newsbreak. The new 3-disc set from Depeche Mode, "Remixes 81-04" hit stores today.

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"Sesame Street" character the Count: One ... Two ... Two total votes for Alan Keyes!

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Tucker Carlson: So, Sen. John Kerry was apparently pleased that the Boston Red Sox won the World Series. Isn't it dangerous that we have a man running for president who favors one city's sports team over another? Do we want a commander-in-chief who is so set on dividing our country during a time of war?

Continued...

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