Incest and Alan Keyes
Craig Finlay
Issue date: 10/25/04 Section: Opinion
You've got to hand it to Republican Illinois Senate candidate Alan Keyes - when it comes to protecting the morals of America, he leaves most other conservatives in the dust. War, terrorism, economic stagnation, unemployment: these things matter not to the single-minded visionary that is Keyes. His plan is to protect society from something far more dangerous and, well, icky.
Keyes wants to prevent people from unwittingly having sex with their relatives.
As you can probably guess, Keyes believes this can only be accomplished by banning that most evil of evils - gay marriage.
(How can one guess this? Because it's Alan Keyes. If Keyes were talking about stopping an asteroid from wiping out all life on planet Earth, he'd figure out a way to connect it to banning gay marriage.)
On Oct. 16, Keyes explained his incest-prevention plan to 150 members of the Illinois Family Institute and Concerned Women for America, groups demanding a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
According to Keyes, if married gay couples were allowed to raise children, then, for those children, not knowing "who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable."
The rationale is a child who is not related to both parents could be unaware of the identities of all of his or her relatives and sexual relations between child and relative could eventually occur.
Now, Keyes has an obviously benevolent goal here: He wants to save men from stage fright. Picture a guy, during sex, thinking, "Wait a minute - my parents are gay! I might be boffing my cousin right now!" Such thoughts are enough to make a man go limp mid-coitus. Keyes would save you that embarrassment.
An even worse scenario would be if visions of later meeting up with a one-night stand at a family reunion didn't interfere with one's sexual performance at all. Or, worse still, improved it. Keyes would save you that epiphany ... you sick freak.
Keyes wants to prevent people from unwittingly having sex with their relatives.
As you can probably guess, Keyes believes this can only be accomplished by banning that most evil of evils - gay marriage.
(How can one guess this? Because it's Alan Keyes. If Keyes were talking about stopping an asteroid from wiping out all life on planet Earth, he'd figure out a way to connect it to banning gay marriage.)
On Oct. 16, Keyes explained his incest-prevention plan to 150 members of the Illinois Family Institute and Concerned Women for America, groups demanding a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
According to Keyes, if married gay couples were allowed to raise children, then, for those children, not knowing "who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable."
The rationale is a child who is not related to both parents could be unaware of the identities of all of his or her relatives and sexual relations between child and relative could eventually occur.
Now, Keyes has an obviously benevolent goal here: He wants to save men from stage fright. Picture a guy, during sex, thinking, "Wait a minute - my parents are gay! I might be boffing my cousin right now!" Such thoughts are enough to make a man go limp mid-coitus. Keyes would save you that embarrassment.
An even worse scenario would be if visions of later meeting up with a one-night stand at a family reunion didn't interfere with one's sexual performance at all. Or, worse still, improved it. Keyes would save you that epiphany ... you sick freak.
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tomass18806
tomass18806
posted 10/25/04 @ 11:05 PM EST
brilliant and hilarious column! May God protect us from evil alien would-be overlords
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