Spring Break
Why I absolutely hate Kevin Costner
Scott Mcgrew
Issue date: 7/22/04 Section: Opinion
I know I should be writing a political column about something that may or may not actually matter, like the race for president, the environment or the war in Iraq, but God damn it, I just hate that Kevin Costner.
I know it's an election year, and I should probably use this outlet for a meaningful message, but I cannot just sit idly by while I know someone, somewhere, is praising him - that hack who has gained half the public's admiration by always playing the hero.
For those Western Courier readers who are unfamiliar with Mr. Costner's work, let me give you a brief rundown of the diverse types of characters he's portrayed. Let's see...he got his start playing the hero with a heart of gold. Then he kept going by playing the hero with the heart of gold, then he started to lose his hair so he started gold-hearted hero who saves the world. Not to mention his niche market of sports movies where he always plays the seasoned vet with the heart of gold. Does anybody see a trend here?
The guy's not even a real actor; he's a producer who throws himself into movies with particularly large budgets. A case in point is the movie that broke the bank: "Water World." He plays a post-apocalyptic half man, half fish who sails the around the world trading dirt for household goods. If you can't make a movie entertaining with a $100 million budget then it's time to retire.
But it's a good thing he didn't or we'd be deprived of such cinematic gems as "For the Love of the Game" and "3000 Miles to Graceland." Equally brilliant was "The Postman," a post-apocalyptic tale about a guy who single-handedly resurrects the United States government by delivering a few letters to toothless, gun-toting mountain people.
My personal favorite is "Dances with Wolves," in which he plays a Civil War Hero who, on one hand, is the most bad-ass soldier in the Union Army, but, on the other, has a heart of gold (!). He learns to live with nature, takes a wolf for a friend and makes peace and lives with the local Native American population.
Then there is the film that got him his Dramatic Actors Association membership card: "Field of Dreams." You know, the one were ghosts tell him to build a baseball diamond in his backyard so he does and the Chicago Black Sox come and play in his yard while he and Darth Vader watch. It's a seemingly eternal mixture of crap and nostalgia that has become permanent programming fixture of TBS affiliates around the country.
I guess we can all learn something from Kevin Costner: Everybody loves the good guy. I think now is as good a time as any for my break into show business. Using the Costner method, I'm going to start working on my own $250 million film where I play a professional golfer postman cowboy sports writer with a heart of gold who cures cancer and AIDS, brings democracy to all of Asia, and uses his precognitive abilities to win the lottery for a bunch of orphaned mentally handicapped burn victims.
Then I'll cast myself in the lead.
I know it's an election year, and I should probably use this outlet for a meaningful message, but I cannot just sit idly by while I know someone, somewhere, is praising him - that hack who has gained half the public's admiration by always playing the hero.
For those Western Courier readers who are unfamiliar with Mr. Costner's work, let me give you a brief rundown of the diverse types of characters he's portrayed. Let's see...he got his start playing the hero with a heart of gold. Then he kept going by playing the hero with the heart of gold, then he started to lose his hair so he started gold-hearted hero who saves the world. Not to mention his niche market of sports movies where he always plays the seasoned vet with the heart of gold. Does anybody see a trend here?
The guy's not even a real actor; he's a producer who throws himself into movies with particularly large budgets. A case in point is the movie that broke the bank: "Water World." He plays a post-apocalyptic half man, half fish who sails the around the world trading dirt for household goods. If you can't make a movie entertaining with a $100 million budget then it's time to retire.
But it's a good thing he didn't or we'd be deprived of such cinematic gems as "For the Love of the Game" and "3000 Miles to Graceland." Equally brilliant was "The Postman," a post-apocalyptic tale about a guy who single-handedly resurrects the United States government by delivering a few letters to toothless, gun-toting mountain people.
My personal favorite is "Dances with Wolves," in which he plays a Civil War Hero who, on one hand, is the most bad-ass soldier in the Union Army, but, on the other, has a heart of gold (!). He learns to live with nature, takes a wolf for a friend and makes peace and lives with the local Native American population.
Then there is the film that got him his Dramatic Actors Association membership card: "Field of Dreams." You know, the one were ghosts tell him to build a baseball diamond in his backyard so he does and the Chicago Black Sox come and play in his yard while he and Darth Vader watch. It's a seemingly eternal mixture of crap and nostalgia that has become permanent programming fixture of TBS affiliates around the country.
I guess we can all learn something from Kevin Costner: Everybody loves the good guy. I think now is as good a time as any for my break into show business. Using the Costner method, I'm going to start working on my own $250 million film where I play a professional golfer postman cowboy sports writer with a heart of gold who cures cancer and AIDS, brings democracy to all of Asia, and uses his precognitive abilities to win the lottery for a bunch of orphaned mentally handicapped burn victims.
Then I'll cast myself in the lead.
Viewing Comments 1 - 8 of 13
murfe03
murfe03
posted 7/28/04 @ 2:05 PM CST
I'm sorry but I would have to disagree. Costner rules and you just write to the school newspaper.
Konrad
posted 10/17/07 @ 5:14 PM CST
SM,
It's been a few years, but I gotta hand it
to you, you're right on with your analysis
of Kevin Costner. He sucks.
KG
Teresa
Teresa
posted 10/18/07 @ 1:02 PM CST
It is a shame that your vocabulary isn't expansive enough to allow you to get your point across without cursing. What God had to do with your hatred I don't know. (Continued…)
Matu
posted 2/17/08 @ 10:34 PM CST
it's a litle late, its been four years, maybe you changed your mind, or you just grew up, anyways what about Mr Brooks.
Ken Pedersen
posted 2/18/08 @ 8:16 AM CST
Well there here's someone who finally can take the message the world is ready to hear and is able to succinctly package it for the masses. Scott my hat is off to you for it is important to remember who Kevin Costner really is, a nobody. (Continued…)
chris viard
posted 8/07/08 @ 1:17 PM CST
Kevin Costner is annoying for all the reasons of being a heart of gold cliché. Really, he is so bland and boring that even Ron Howard could have played Eliot Ness in his place while creating a more compelling performance. (Continued…)
Sean Solina
posted 8/11/08 @ 3:55 PM CST
Wow, by reading these few paragraphs, I could immediately tell that this wasn't written by a seasoned professional writer. You my friend are an absolute moron. (Continued…)
Mira
posted 1/15/09 @ 11:31 PM CST
Haha, I have to agree with you, Kevin Costner is a terrible actor. I'm only happy that the fantastic Alan Rickman completely upstaged him in Robin Hood, despite the fact that Costner casted himself as the heart of gold hero and Rickman was the antagonist. (Continued…)
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