Spring Break
Marriage secrets shared
Rebecca Eichenseer
Issue date: 3/31/04 Section: News
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Pearson had the audience laughing continuously as she spoke about her experiences during her research in Marco Island‚ Fla. Pearson analyzed the lives of 40 happily married couples to determine what makes a good marriage.
She started out by finding older couples to volunteer by placing ads in two local newspapers.
Over 200 couples contacted Pearson to volunteer in the first week. Because this was too many‚ Pearson set up three criteria. First‚ the couple had to be married for at least 40 years. Pearson said she excluded couples who were married less than 40 years from her study because "the jury was still out on if their love will last."
Also‚ the husband and wife both had to agree that their marriage is one of the best marriages they knew. Pearson said when husbands called to say they had one of the best marriages they knew‚ it is not as likely the wives agreed. However‚ when the wives called to say their marriages were one of the best‚ every husband agreed.
The third criterion was that family and friends had to verify the couple's marriage was really great.
Pearson narrowed the candidates down to 40 couples. Then she visited all their homes like an anthropologist so she could begin to understand their culture and marriage.
The couples ranged from being married 40 to 71 years‚ and their ages ranged from 61 to 93. The oldest was a 93-year-old woman whose 91-year-old husband told her he was older than she was until after they were married.
"She was still upset about that after all of these years‚" Pearson added.
The couples represented a cross-section of wealth levels‚ occupations‚ religions and sex lives‚ which they were eager to discuss.
Only two couples did not have a sex life. One couple did not because a partner was on medication that prevented it. The other was the 93- and 91-year-old couple‚ who said they were older now and had put away childish things.
After visiting the couples‚ Pearson came up with 10 conclusions on the secrets to a long-lasting marriage. She shared five of them.
First‚ Pearson said there is no single model of a good marriage. The couples varied so much that there is no one path that will lead anyone to a good marriage.
Next‚ the couple must have lowered expectations.
"Many people‚ before they get married‚ have romantic ideas of marriage‚" Pearson said. She said that in one of the couples the wife never learned to cook.
Pearson asked the husband if he ever had a problem with the fact that she never cooked. He said he loved it because he got to go out to eat on a regular basis. Pearson said this is an ideal example of lowered expectations.
A long-lasting couple must also have unconditional acceptance for each other. Pearson said that before a couple gets married‚ if he or she has a problem with anything about the other‚ he or she needs to resolve that because people are not likely to change for the better.
Pearson said it is also important for couples not to see each other objectively.
She told the story of one couple. The wife's body was paralyzed from when she suffered a stroke‚ and the husband had taken over the chores she had done without discussing it with her.
When Pearson asked him why he married her‚ he said‚ "Why did I marry her? Look at her. She's the most beautiful woman in the world."
Finally‚ Pearson said couples need to have persistence‚ not commitment.
"Commitment is saying that you'll be married forever; persistence is saying that you'll be married forever and be happy‚" Pearson said.
Pearson added all children's stories have an underlying meaning and can be used to answer questions. To answer the question of "Lasting Love: What Keeps Couples Together?"‚ Pearson referred to the Velveteen Rabbit.
"It doesn't happen all at once‚" stated the Skin Horse‚ a character in the book as he told Velveteen Rabbit about becoming real. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept.
"Generally‚ by the time you are Real‚ most of your hair has been loved off‚ and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly‚ except to people who don't understand‚" the Skin Horse added.
Becoming "real" is a metaphor for love‚ according to Pearson.
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